Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Conflicted

Hello All,

For starters, I don´t know if I will have a job for the rest of the month. My boss told us that he was gonna tell us the status today, but he left the office all day and didn´t even come back in the afternoon to tell us anything. I am really upset. I can´t believe that he wasn´t even gonna tell us in the first place. Moving desks around and not even saying ONE word. He doesn´t even have the balls to look us in the eye and tell us what´s gonna happen. What a coward. He doesn´t even answer us in a firm voice. He sounds so wishy washy.

I may just end up leaving Spain by the end of this month. I can´t take this anymore. I am not happy, and I am not okay here anymore. I feel so conflicted inside and if I don´t do anything soon I will either explode or have a breakdown. Today was awful. Our boss just left us wondering if we´ll even have our fucking job that doesn´t even pay well. Well ya know what? Fuck this. I have had a year full of this and I don´t have to take it anymore. It´s time for me to go back to where I am fully legal and can demand more respect. I hope that I´ll never end up in this position again. A hooker has better payoffs that I had. Had I known how my year would end I would have never come here to Barcelona. I have worked so hard for so little. Yes I did learn some things. One of them being how to take rejection over and over, being lied to on a continuous basis, being disrespected and just plain being stood up. Yes it´s important to know how to handle this, and I am sure I´ll be facing more. Believe me, the world isn´t getting any kinder. But for now, I am planning on going back home where there is so much more opportunity to succeed for me as an American citizen. I am so glad that I have an American passport.

I know there are some people that I know back home wondering why I even came here and stuck it out for this long. I have had people laugh at me and think I am crazy. I gave it a good shot, and now I know for sure that things aren´t gonna work out if I continue to stay here. I guess I just had to see for myself.

I do sometimes wonder what would have happened if I went to Madrid and taught there ? Instead I stayed in Barcelona and gave it a try. I think that I would have struggled just the same.

On another note, I went to the business school today and asked about programs for a business masters today. I learned that I need to have about 3 more years of full time work experience before I can apply to the school again. It was something to think about.

Anyways, I will know for sure next week if I will leave or stay until the end of June. Who knows.

 

 

 

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