Hindsight is 20/20

Hello There My Lovelies...........

I have to say that I've been single for almost all of my life. I did have a relationship for a year that ended a year ago. I grew up very sheltered, and had no coaching whatsoever on men out in the real world. I was really just told to wait for my soul mate, the one and only.

I left home an innocent girl with absolutely no clue of how to act and what to expect.

You do the math and imagine what happened.................

-I had unrealistic expectations of men
- I didn't know about dating and just getting to know each other and taking things slow
-I didn't realize that men were the hunters and that women shouldn't do the chasing. Actually, how I was raised, I saw a little of the opposite.
- I was naive and didn't know about the games and dishonesty that men pull ( I am not singling men out here, I am only speaking about my experiences)
-I really had no life experience and didn't really even know much about myself.

With the above combined, let's just say that I made a lot of mistakes. I don't even know how to begin to tell you about all the dumb shit I did. Imagine all the things that dating gurus tell you NOT to do out on a date, and I probably did it.

The hardest thing about all of this is looking back and realizing that while I am a good person, with a good heart, I made a lot of mistakes. The hardest thing to do was to realize that it is my fault that I am still single, that I attracted the wrong people, and that I never gave myself enough credit to attract someone better. It is painful to take an honest, good look at yourself. But once I did that, it was very liberating. We're usually told that it's not our fault that it didn't work out. Our friends usually lie to us and tell us that we're too fabulous for the other person, or are polite to make us feel better. Sometimes it really is the other person's fault, but not as often as we are lead to believe.

It wasn't all me though, there were some men that I went out with that registered very high numbers on the Douche-Bag-O-Meter. I swear, those make for some very good stories over sugary alcoholic drinks.

But then again I realize that had I made better choices, I probably could've avoided that too. But not always. Sometimes you really don't know who you're dealing with. They come wrapped in such a nice package and when you open it, you get an ugly surprise.

Relationships I would have to say are the hardest are of my life to deal with. I am very independent, and unless I am completely happy, I would rather be single. Plus, I am afraid of being tied down.

I have spent years wondering what's wrong with me, for not having steady relationships. That there's something wrong that everyone else but me can see. I have wondered why everyone around me is happy with someone, but why God can't provide that for me.

But recently I realized that He could've and probably did, but that I still had a lot of growing up to do. It doesn't matter who was in front of me. I had so much growing and learning to do that it would've never worked out anyway. When you are in your early twenties, you don't realize how immature you still are. You think you've acquired wisdom, but you really haven't. I really thought that I was mature. But I go back and read some of my journal entries or think back to how I've handled situations, and I can't believe how I acted.

I feel like I am starting to get a sense of who I am now. Until recently, I didn't know what my passions were in life, I didn't even really know what I wanted out of a partner. I didn't even realize how a relationship takes compromise and how you really need to take care of your partner and keep that person happy.

I could've had the "perfect man", but he would've never stayed around, because I wouldn't have known how to take care of him or compromise. Then he would've bolted and I would've blamed him instead of looking at myself.

And I think that's partly because of the feminist movement and all the bitter women out there.
I grew up hearing "You don't need a man, you can do anything by yourself." I grew up around the media bashing men all the time. I grew up hearing my father get bashed.

And yes, there are a lot of douchey men out there. But when you bash men, the douchey ones simply don't care, and you alienate the good men that do care. The ones that do care about being good run for the hills and don't want to come near a bad attitude.

Also I grew up being taught that I didn't need relationships, it was insinuated that you were weak if you longed for a relationship and didn't just focus on yourself. To this day, I still feel weak for wanting someone to share a life with.

I am glad that I am getting a chance to take a hard, honest look at myself. I really needed this and while I have a very long way to go, I really hope that I can change my ways in time.