Thursday, June 18, 2009

An eloquent douche bag

Hello There My Little Secret Squirrels,

Today's douche of the day was brave enough to provide a picture of himself. So I will give him credit for that, as most men posting on Craigslist upload dumbass images of flowers or kittens to fool the ladies into thinking they included a picture of themselves.

Without further ado, here is the manslation:

TITLE: Most Eloquent Bachelor in the Inner Sunset

Conceived in Israel by a Tunisian-born Israeli mother and a French father of dual Bavarian and Egyptian ancestry, I walked my first steps in a quaint city in northeastern France. The memories are hazy well, duh, but I’m told that my French-accented Hebrew toddler babble greatly amused my Israeli relatives. My linguistic predicament grew more complicated yet when, at the tender age of four, I was exiled to the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio, the site of my father’s new job. Traumatic though this may sound, I adjusted gracefully as normal children do. True, I nearly failed kindergarten because I was a dumbass even at the tender age of 5, but I attribute this to boredom more than anything else. Except for the year my family would spend in Israel, this was where I was to grow up. Sure, there were no medieval cathedrals or castles in sight. But the land was cheap and the parking was plentiful, and I found ways to keep myself occupied. My intent in high school was to become a journalist, or, more precisely, a polemicist. Indeed, I was already using my position on the school newspaper to be a royal douche bag launch scathing criticisms of my school’s administration—which viewed me as a douche bag rabble-rousing demagogue and eventually engineered my ouster from the paper. My sights turned from demagoguery to philosophy in college, to the point of deciding to become a philosopher myself No one listened to my bullshit, so I had to spin it as philosophy. This new path eventually landed me in Bloomington, Indiana, where I wallowed as a graduate student for four years—wallowing being the primary activity of all graduate students—still in the Midwest but, as usual, not of it. When the breaking point came, I banded together with two friends and u-hauled to New York City to spread the douchebaggery among the New Yorkers, where I taught philosophy and completed my dissertation on human nature, now a book and available to the general public in overpriced hardcover. But even as five exciting years went by, I had not yet joined the middle class still poor as fuck—not my highest priority thus far, but a priority nonetheless. I had been eyeing those LSAT prep manuals in the bookstore for a while, and the time had come to take the plunge. And so it was law school that brought me to the Bay Area I dropped out of law school. This led to some brief interactions with the "real world" about which others had always been speaking. Defending corporations against their employees’ legal assaults had its intrigue, to be sure. But working for the man was never my passion because they would always fire me for insubordination. Fortunately, an opportunity arose to make my way back to academia, this time as a lawyer-philosopher Not really, I didn't pass the bar. I now enjoy a quasi-bohemian lifestyle I'm broke and I don't bathe, writing my second book, and happily being paid to be myself. I live across the street from Golden Gate Park, where I like to walk and jog. I also enjoy hiking, camping, skiing in Tahoe, and Thai boxing. Travel, both in the US and elsewhere, is important to me, as I grew up doing a lot of it. I’m 5’6” and in good shape I'm average. My features are classically Mediterranean. My demeanor is at once mischievous and affable I have an awful grin on my face only a mother could love. Temperamentally, I am often ironic but almost never sarcastic I'm actually being sarcastic. While capable of taking myself seriously, I generally find it more entertaining not to do so. Neither boring nor boorish, I offer a woman a healthy combination of stimulation and sensitivity Basically I offer her my penis. Please include a picture with your response.

Big Translation:

1.) I have a present for you, actually it's not a present, it's my penis.

2.) If I include big words and call myself eloquent, surely I can confuse you into sleeping with me.

3.) Would you like to see my penis ?


Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Haven't had this big a belly laugh in a while! Keep them coming!

Loving Annie said...

ha-ha-ha !!! I swear, you ought to have a paid service interpreting every single computer dating ad, Senorita !

Nobody does it better than you do - you really see them for what/who they are !

This guy must have used the word "I" about 100 times. Didn't notice him using the word "you".

Nor did he make any attempt whatsoever to try to please a woman by maybe saying (let alone being) he was a considerate, thoughtful, responsible, reliable, loyal, monogamous, ethical person who a woman might want to spend time with - OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT MATTERS LONG TERM.

He has ZERO to offer...

He's a walking arrogant, self-involved red flag... And even scarier - he doesn't seem to care.