Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Hey Baby, Hows About a Bad Boy ?

Hello There My Babies,

Manslation time !! As usual, my manslations are in bold.

Title: Checkered Past, Inspired Future, Partner In Crime

Have had a colorful and checkered past I recently got out of prison, and now seeking to bring together all my passions and interests in an integrated way, to live a life of inspired vision. I am looking for a woman to take care of me sexually and financially since no one will hire me or rent to me. This inspired vision also seeks a partner in crime no, seriously, an equal who is a friend, lover, muse, confidant and expects the same in return. We would both have our own lives and passions you look the other way when I deal in your house, yet we would be able to serve the other's needs and passion while I'm high as a kite, I want us to bang our brains out. Be it a shoulder to lean occasionally, or fuel the desire to even more depths of heart and soul, or to be the inspiration that ignites the world inspiration igniting the world my ass, I just want to ignite myself in your pants. Have been blessed with extensive and expensive education in prison thanks to the taxpayer, to have had a very checkered history that brings many different perspectives into life you will need a different perspective to understand all the stuff I've done, to have a small group of great friends other felons, and actively working on bringing more meaning to life. Seeking a friend and perhaps more friend with bennies to unfold together on this journey as we will be unfolding eachother all night long. When you write back let me know what prompted you to write back and we will go from there.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

A Happy Ending







1.) Ashleigh
2.) My mother and brother
3.) My teacher for half of my classes, also the director of our program, an attorney and a temporary judge.


Hello There My Lovelies,
Over the weekend, I went to my graduation ceremony. I already got my certificate in the mail last month, but I wanted to go and see my teacher. Of our whole department, only three of my classmates showed up for graduation.
The graduation ceremony took place on the football field, in 90 something degree weather. Seriously, it was hotter than Satan's asscrack out there. Luckily I could hide out under my cap. I was also wearing sunscreen.
Honestly, I didn't care about our speakers. I wasn't really paying attention, rather I was texting my mom and friend who were out in the crowd. I was also talking to my old classmates next to me.
We had an author who I heard was real good for the speaker. Unfortunately, his speech didn't reflect that. He was talking about how we're the future, blah blah blah. I heard that in junior high, high school, as well as my undergrad degree. I tuned him out.
There was also a presentation for a guy who got a full-ride scholarship to UC Berkeley. He was talking about how he was born in a truck, and came into this country illegally, and didn't want to be a stereotype. Funny thing was, he wasn't reading his own speech. The presenter was reading it.
Basically this guy was announcing his illegal status in this country on the football field. I was like, WTF ??? And then he says in his speech he doesn't want us to view him as another stereotype ? I can understand young people dragged here by their parents into this country, and the need for an education. Do what you have to to survive.
But he had at least 15 years to work on getting his situation ironed out. He could have his documents by now. And then to stand up there and announce that you're illegal and basically say "look at me, I got a full ride to UC Berkeley "? That is the epitome of the stereotype, of not wanting to accept our culture. Thats like giving us the finger and saying that he doesn't have to integrate himself or do it the legal way to make it. Carlos Mencia said it best: It's like coming into my house, taking a dump on the living room floor, and then asking me what is for dinner.
I understand he worked hard, and it didn't come easy, especially growing up in a gang-infested area. It's hard. He found someone to sponsor his education, that's great. It's someone else's money, not the taxpayers. What I don't like is that he has to stand up there, say he's not here legally and expect us to fawn all over him and embrace that. I am not anymore sympathetic to him than I am to anyone else. Especially since he had all these years to get integrated into this country and become an American citizen. So no, I didn't clap for him. When I lived abroad, I did whatever I could to integrate myself into the culture I was in. And I would do it again. Also, my mother immigrated here. And most of my coworkers did the same and got their papers in order. My coworker recently became a citizen.
Anyway, after the ceremony, I hunted down my teacher and took pictures with him. He has been a huge part in my education. He was hard on us and made us bust our asses for our grades. He encouraged us to go to law school. He answered any legal questions we had. He took us on field trips. He is heading a volunteer program for low income people who need a dissolution of marriage. I got As in all of his classes, and I felt challenged, because he kept it interesting. We had no text books in his class, and I still have his notes.
The most valuable thing I learned in his class was how to stand up for myself. Especially in a marriage. What is reasonable and what is not.
After his class, I realized that marriage is just more than a "piece of paper". It's a legal contract and the biggest commitment you can make to someone. With that comes many legal benefits. And I wouldn't want to live my life with a man that isn't willing to make that commitment to me.
Ladies, if you truly want to get married, make sure you find a man that truly wants to marry you. None of that "why is it so important ? It's just a piece of paper business". If you meet a man like that who doesn't believe in marriage, let him go. He will find someone else. Find that man who is happy to commit to you.
Anyway, my teacher was happy to see me there and I gave him a hug for the first time. He met my mom and told her that she has a wonderful daughter and that he primarily came to see me. It was really an emotional moment for me, since I really put a lot into my studies and his classes.
It's sad that this is all over. I still am volunteering in my teacher's organization, but I think this is the end of my education for a while. I hope to remain in contact with him.
I may consider law school in the future. But not in this economy with no money. I am not the first in my family to take an interest in the legal field. My aunt in Austria is a judge, as well as my cousin who is practicing in the court in Salzburg. My other cousin here in the US recently graduated from law school.
We shall see what the future holds for me.

Hey there sexi, wanna massage ?

Hello There My Little Secret Squirrels,

I have a lot to write about, but first it's time for another manslation..............

As usual my manslations are in bold................

TITLE: Offering my service of a Luxurious Massage - 28 (oakland lake merritt / grand)

For the right, appreciative desperate lady, I am offering my skills as a masseur If I use a French word, more women will respond. Please share with me your need for a full body massage I will touch you all over, but most time will be spent on your naughty girly bits. I truly enjoy offering the peace while you're sleeping I get a boner that a massage offers, so I am doing this out of kindness and compassion of my penis. Typically such service costs sixty or more dollars, but I don't want to charge someone who needs it, I just want to give it away as a gift. Basically, I am gonna try to bang you, so charging you for trying to force myself on you would be wrong. So please share with me why you want me to do this to you and if you're in a hurry to be relieved. I'm really horny, so please respond fast............Be well. Namaste !

All boundaries respected and adults only of course. If you believe that line, then you deserve to be duped by me.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson

Hello All,Yesterday Michael Jackson passed away. I didn't feel anything until today.I grew up fairly sheltered, with not much exposure to music. But Michael Jackson was one of the artists that I heard growing up. At our parties, we would dance to his music, and some of our friends would dress up as him and do the moon walk or the crotch grab. We jammed a lot together to his hits. My brother and I would try to do the moonwalk.

I wasn't a huge fan, and I never really followed all the press he got. But I did have a great time jamming to his music. After all, I was a child in the 1980s: Bad hair, Aquanet, LA Gear and Michael Jackson. The following were the most danced to by our family: I'm Bad and Billy Jean.

Jackson and my mom were born the same year, and my mom is a young mom. Life is so short, and you don't wake up thinking that you're gonna die that day. You really can wake up one day and drop dead. It happened in my family more than once.Jackson was a famous man with genius hits and a complicated life. I always thought he was a lost soul, and did not know to live a normal life, thanks to his childhood. I also think he was very unhappy, troubled, in massive debt and possibly didn't know who he could truly turn to. I bet he was surrounded by a lot of vultures and press who didn't care about his privacy.It doesn't matter anymore, he is gone. That debt, and stress ridden body of his can be left behind. Now he can answer to God and find peace and move on.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A Sappy Movie And Other Memories







Hello There My Lovelies,






I don't have to work tonite, so I am just taking it easy at home tonite. I'm watching the Notebook on the Oxygen network. Honestly, most love stories nowadays just flat out suck. But I will make an exception for The Notebook.






Yeah, the guy, Noah in the beginning had some lame lines, but I still really loved the movie. I felt the characters were genuine, and I love Rachael McAdams. I wonder what happened to her. My grandpa is the type of man the older Noah was. He is by my grandmother's side no matter what. The woman, Ally in her younger years sounds like my grandma back in the day. She was really pretty and volunteered for the Red Cross during the war. She got hit on a lot. The pic here is of her that my aunt had in her house.






I love movies from that era or set in that era. I used to look through my grandma's yearbooks and pictures all the time from the 1930s and 1940s. Also when I go back to Europe, I enjoy visiting older towns that haven't changed much. I remember taking a train to the Czech Republic from Austria in the summer of 2005. The station and train in my aunt's town was nice, clean and proper. You got a proper greeting and wished an "angenehmen reise" aka a "pleasant journey". Then when you switched trains to the Czech Republic, the train was old and worn out. Yet it wasn't nasty, just old and worn out in a charming sort of way. The pic on the left was the train station, and the pic on the right was of an old church. Some parts of the town were more modern and the houses were repainted. But much of the town was still old and you could tell it had a past. I was there on a weeknight, and everything, even the restaurant at the train station was closed at around 7pm. It was like a ghost town. I ended up eating a McChicken at McDonalds. When I took the train back to Austria, the bell sounding each half hour a melody at the train station sounded so old.


When I hear older people talking about life back in the day, most of the time they speak with smiles on their faces. My grandparents do. The guy I met at the Greek Festival certainly did. And they survived and/or fought through the war. Most of them say they prefer life back then than now.
When I was in Spain, life was a lot slower. I had a lot less internet connection, minimal cell phone use, no car, and no stable job. Also customer service sucked and they didn't give a shit if they couldn't help you. No such thing as customer satisfaction surveys or "I'm sorry for your inconvenience." It took hours to do errands, sometimes a whole day to do one thing. And some of the places I lived in were old, some were over a hundred years old. Yet, my quality of life was better. I ate better food, and people were more interested in getting to know and talk to me, more so than they are here in the US. I also took in a lot more scenery. My weekends were spent relaxing or taking a walk in the city or meeting someone.
Now, life in the US has become such a hustle, and everyone is always so stressed out. People at work always talking about how busy they are and how they don't have much time for much else. So many people here in the US are plagued with obesity, other health problems, and stress. And we have a lot of medicine and access to food in this country.
Anyway, just my .02, time to focus on the ending of the Notebook.





Ghetto Jersey Housewives Reunion

Hello There My Lovelies,

So tonite was the big reunion of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Frankly, I think that they are all trashy, except maybe for Caroline. Yet I do enjoy watching them. They all have colorful pasts, yet they still choose to go on TV. Especially Danielle. She has some nerve. The Smoking Gun dug up her court records which she swore were sealed. What they found:

-She was a high class hooker
-Arrested and faced charges of extortion, kidnapping and drug possession. She ended up ratting out her drug lord boyfriend and he ended up in jail for 15 years while she got off on probation for 5 years. Without the deal and connections of her ex husband, she would probably still be in prison today.
- Now her ex boyfriend who she dated on the show has a sex tape and wants to sell it.

I just don't understand why she comes out on a TV show to air her dirty laundry. She is crying and saying how she deserves a second chance. Yet had she really moved on, she would've never gone on public television. I would have more sympathy for her had she just stayed out of the spotlight. I don't feel bad for her. You can't have a criminal past like hers, go on TV and get upset when the public judges you. That's insanity.

Plus I don't buy her "poor me" attitude where she says she's ganged up on. I think she put herself there. She's tried to lie her way out of her past, but you can all read about it on the Smoking Gun. I always had a feeling she was lying.

I also don't understand how Teresa goes apeshit and flips the table, and then the public loves her for it. It was totally ghetto and unclassy. Way to be a rolemodel for the ladies. I don't think it is ever okay to act like that.

Okay, enough for now.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Get your perv on........


Hello There My Lovelies.................

My oh my ! This past weekend I struck gold on Craigslist. Every "manslator's" dream, lol. I guess Saturday was the longest day of the year, so gotta pass the daylight somehow I guess. Why not get your perv on ? Besides, the economy sucks, but kinky ? That's free...........

There are so many pervs out there..... It doesn't matter what shit you are into, there is always someone that is into that. Nothing shocks the public anymore. You into eating feces ? There's a crowd for that. You into cheating on your wife to get humiliated, be spanked and told to shut up and lick some woman's shoe or maybe be dressed in a diaper? Definitely a market for that.

When I was living in Barcelona, my English co-worker told me he knew a guy that would pay a woman 50 quid to take a dump on a glass table. I am assuming that is equivalent to 50 British Pounds, and this was at least 5 years ago. I bet prices for dumping on glass tables went up since then.

Without further ado, I will leave you with this little nugget. It's kinda short, so not too much manslating for me this time. But trust me my little enquiring secret squirrels, I've got more in my war chest.

Anyhoochie.......................


TITLE: SELF STIMULATION IS VERY EXCITING

Reply to: pers-msehh-1234985600@craigslist.orgDate: 2009-06-22, 8:03PM

Looking for someone to experiment with. Self stimulation in each others presence can be very exciting. Is there anyone who would like to experiment in this area. I can send a pic of my polish/Italian/insert ethnicity here sausage if you get back to me because when you get back to me, my penis will holla back at you. Please feel free to let me know your feelings on this subject don't talk about feelings, just talk dirty. Love to sit around and talk while engaged in this activity WTF?. Let's discuss this.

I wanna discuss this. I was gonna let this go until I read that he wants to talk during the "self- stimulation" session. Isn't there a task at hand to be focusing on ? There is a difference between talking dirty and calling each other unspeakable names, and then there is just sitting around and talking like he is suggesting. Like what could he possibly want to talk about ? The weather ? "Oh yeah baby, it's really hot outside, no chance of uhm, hold on............... rain."

Looks like I had a lot to say after all.

But fear not, my lovelies, I will return with more.....................

Yours Truly,

Senorita



Monday, June 22, 2009

Weekend

Hello There My Lovelies,



I finally got my car vacuumed and washed, so now it's clean. I feel a lot better. I also got a new digital camera. Now I can take pictures again.



I did the above because I had company on Saturday. Remember the WWII vet guy my friend and I met at the Greek Festival ? Here is a refreshment: http://frauleinsenorita.blogspot.com/2009/05/greek-festival.html

Anywho, my friend and I took him to Villa Montalvo Gardens in Saratoga. Basically, the house was built in 1912 by James Duval Phelan. He was a former congressman and mayor of San Francisco. It is a gorgeous house and in addition to the mansion there is a huge garden and a hiking path.

He loved it. He hadn't been there in over 45 years with his wife. We took a tour of the property, and then sat in the garden to talk. I took pictures with my new digi cam. I posted them on Flickr but I have no idea how to import that here. I will have to find another way. But I told him that I would print and send him some of the pictures, since he doesn't own a computer or e-mail.

Anyway, then we went to BJ's for lunch, since he offered to treat us for lunch. The waitstaff probably thought he was our grandpa. He got a free beer glass and a chance to win a golf trip. My friend entered her dad for the trip.

I admired his wedding ring on his finger. Beautiful gold band with three diamonds in it. He said that people keep telling him to take it off since his wife passed away ten years ago. His response is "Like Hell, I'm gonna take that off. As far as I'm concerned, I'm still married." He also said that he's saving the ring for his granddaughter's future husband. I thought that was so sweet. Especially since I inherited my grandmother's prized necklace and ring set my grandfather bought for her. Things like that are special.

Anywho, I will post pics when I figure out how. Blogger is free for a reason and that is because it's so limited.

Tootles for now.

Would you sleep with this guy ?



Hello There My Lovelies,


Time for another manslation ! To this man's credit, at least he posted a picture of himself. I kinda wish he didn't.


Without further ado, manslations are in bold.........


TITLE : Here Kinky Kitty!


Hi Ladies, Yes, I know this is the LTR section and I'm posting here exactly for this reason. One of the qualities I desire in my Partner-for-Life is an interest in exploring our sexuality, in particular, Tantra and D/s( dominance and submission) Kink. I'm the older white dude in the back of every yoga/tantric class. This being said, some of the other qualities which are inherent are: intelligence, education, sophistication, femininity and a high libido. High libido is most important.I am 50, about five-foot-nine.five or so, 185 to 190, STD free, divorced several years, out of a long-term post-divorce relationship about a year now and am looking for my last first date ... .. .


I am a part-time dad, a hard-working professional and a nice person. Here pretty girl, would you like some candy ?I just also happen to be very Dom in the bedroom; looking for a PARTNER by day and a Willful Submissive by night ... I will find every excuse in the book to spank you and call you a bad little girl. Oh ... yes, one more thing, you should smoke cigarettes and know how to do so very, very seductively. What I am trying to say, is you should pretend the cigarette is my penis.. You should also be fine with 420; I smoke medical for a very good reason ::cough::bullshit::cough:: ... I was in a serious accident a few years ago and, well ... .. . things hurt. I ran with a hard on and accidentally slammed into a telephone pole.


Now, I am for real; I've learned many of you women are "looky-lou's" and once you see what I can deliver, well, you're not really ready. Maybe they don't like being called kinky kitty ?So, IF you're interested, please respond and I will then send (other, more kinky) photos! Basically, pictures of my penis from every angle and maybe even my taint ;).



SPAM-BOT WARNING ... I have posted enough I recognized all the various spam-bot messages ... so, please, if you're thinking you can get me to sign-up at a web-site to see your picture, well, it's not gonna happen. Most of those photos are of young girls who are nothing but skin and bones anyway ... I'm a Man and I'm looking for a Woman. Sounds like he ended up looking after all.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Pimptress Senorita is Back !

Hello There My Lovelies,


First off, Happy Fathers day to all you dads !

I have a lot to write about, but I am not gonna do that right now. Instead, I am gonna pimp out my friend Ashleigh and her blogs.



Ashleigh joined our happy Blogger family and became a blogging whore like the rest of us last summer. She has her regular blog, Ashleigh's Musings and her weight loss blog, Tales of the Shrinking Booty. For some reason, I can't copy and paste the address, so just go to:
http://ashleighfranklin.blogspot.com where you can find both journals.



I am pimping out my friend right now because she needs our support. She is going through a break up, and as you all know, break ups are painful and just flat out suck.

Okay, enough pimping, I am off to look for more fodder for a manslation.

Besitos !

Spiritual Tool Seeks Mating Partner

Well Hello There My Little Secret Squirrels,

Another manslation is in order. As usual, my manslations are in bold.

TITLE: Spiritual guys seeks mature match :)

Reply to: pers-wqfer-1230468112@craigslist.orgDate: 2009-06-19, 7:52PM


Greetings ! I believe someone somewhere is made for all of us. however I am still searching for my someone :D 27 male Indian dude with average frame skinny, seeking a long term relationship with a romantic, mature lady in the age range of 30 to 45 yrs A spiritual version of Stifler's mom would be hawt !, slender to average frame, good heart and interested in long term relationship. I am looking to find my soulmate for heart-mind-body-soul union I also wanna bang your mind and soul. All races and religions welcome. Please be free from disease, criminal record, legal issues and drama. Being spiritual is a big plus as I can't afford to be choosy. I am on the path of spiritual development, seeking to be a healer and intuitive guide I wanna heal you before I bang you. The past 8 months I have witnessed turbulence energetically, emotionally and spiritually that has led me to the realization of my gifts and opened me to the immense possibilities of the spiritual realm I have no idea what I am talking about, the only gift I really have is in my pants, wanna see ?. The path of spiritual development/awakening that takes up a lot of my time and I would appreciate finding a match that has affinity/inclination towards spirituality. I hope this doesnt freak you out as I am just another guy-next-door and here is something about me - I am well read I read the news online, like outdoorsy activities - hiking, camping, running, soccer; relish fine-dining and bar hopping spiritual dudes gotta get their drink on, BBQs, some cooking; enjoy watchin movies - comedies, action, thrillers, drama, romantic and of late eye-opening documentaries, listening to music - rock, fusion, indian, of late hip-hop and some latino; am interested in spirituality, cultures, world news, social news networking, gadgets I drive a Prius and have an iPhone and technology and more. I drink socially and dont smoke or do drugs and am looking for the same because I am a trip by myself. I am romantic, love hugs, walks at dusk and onwards, cuddling, titillations, kissing, sensual massages and all things romantic I will try to touch your naughty parts every chance I get, especially outdoors. I am just another normal person who has been experiencing paranormal/spiritual phenomena since childhood I hear voices in my head and after years of supressing, recently realized it as a gift that shouldnt be shunned and rather developed for improvement of personal life and help people in my life I will convince you that you hear voices. I have been looking for female companionship beginning with get2know like a casual hangout buddy, then see how the chemistry develops and see where it takes. I dont prefer the pre-meditated try-to impress dating scene that manifests itself by way of facades and rather like the direct approach to know each other on an as-is basis Basically, I won't even try to take you out and get to know you, I will just directly ask you to have sex with me.. Well thats something about me ... dont wanna bore u with an essay ..lolz I'm a grown man and have resorted to saying LOLZ. So if you are interested lets exchange emails and get to know each other. I have pics and number that I will share with the right person. Thanks for reading, good luck with your endeavors and God Bless ! Cheers ! Namaste !

Friday, June 19, 2009

Third Eye Blind

Hello There My Lovelies,

Last night I went to a free concert downtown to see Third Eye Blind with Ashleigh, because she is a huge Third Eye Blind fan.

The concert was free and outdoors, and it was a lot of fun. Initially I didn't really want to go because being forcefully smooshed together with strangers does not turn me on. But I ended up having a great time. They played a couple of their hits that came out when I was in high school. We were lucky to get pretty close to the stage. I didn't get the best view because there was a banner in front of me, but it was good enough, I got a decent side view of the band. The people next to me were cool, the girl next to me was shorter than me, so she understood my frustration.

A lot of enthusiasm from the band, and apparently they're from San Francisco, and the lead singer went to UC Berkely. Great show. Unfortunately, it got cut short for some reason, but what are you gonna do ? It's free, right ? The crowd fed off of their enthusiasm and we all enjoyed the show.

There was a lot of douchebag behaviour though. People forcefully shoving themselves through the crowd, for one. I ended up yelling "Douchebag Alert !" in front of one tatted up guy that looked like a Cholo, and let him stare me down after. A couple of people also decided to smoke whatever it is they had, and the guy next to me decided to blow his stank on me. Just gross.

It's Third Eye Blind, that's not even really the band to get high to. Couldn't we save that for Snoop Dogg ? Well, what do I know, when I saw Dave Matthews in concert, there were tons of smoke rings in the crowd.

I saw a couple of body surfers in the crowd too. Apparently, I heard later from another friend that went, that a grandma got trampled by a few young people. That sucks, luckily my friend helped her up. I mean, how can you not help up an old woman with a cane ?

I don't understand why so many teens were there. This band was hip when I was a teen, and that was ten years ago. While Ashleigh was pulling out of the parking garage, a bunch of teens almost got smacked by running in front of her car. Her reaction was priceless as she shouted to the spawn from hell : " You motherfu*kers ! What the hell ? Seriously, you aren't even 18 !"

Good times, my little secret squirrels, good times. I was happy to get out of the house. We went to Cheesecake Factory after, and I had the shrimp scampi pasta and chocolate truffle cake. Delish ! Talk about a mouthgasm ! And I had leftovers for today.

Okay that is all for now.

Tootles.

Happy Fathers Day !

Hello All,

Happy Fathers Day to all you dads out there ! Happy Fathers Day to my dad !

One of my dad's greatest wishes is to get a lap dance from Angelina Jolie. So fellas, if she isn't at your doorstep, then she is probably busy with my old man, lol. You'll just have to take a number.

My dad has been awesome since my grandmother was at the hospital. He stepped it up and moved in to help take care of her, my grandpa and the family business. So kudos to him for that.

Happy Fathers Day to all dads................... may you get that extra beer, that extra lapdance, that extra whatever it is you desire.................

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Desert Dance



Hello There My Lovelies,





I just got the flier for the annual Desert Dance Festival. It's been almost 3 years since I last danced in that. Basically, it's a bellydance fair in Santa Clara and there will be a ton of performers and vendors and bad food.





I did go to the one last year and ran into an old troupe member and caught up with her. I also saw a psychic there for fun because it was fairly cheap. You totally get what you pay for. She told me stuff I would've told anyone else there. She told me I love to dance and that I take on a different energy when I dance, that I look like a mermaid. She also said that I am like home in the water.





1.) I was at a bellydance festival so yeah, I do love to dance, great guess Sherlock !


2.) I hate being in water unless I am bathing. Water isn't even my element, it's fire. She didn't even know that and I gave her my birthday.





Anywho, I have been selecting the music for my next routine. I would like to do the double veils this time. I usually dance with the sword or just one veil. This time I would like to do the double veil. The faire is in September, and I hope that I secure a spot.

Of course, all of you that reside here in the SF Bay would me more than welcome to come and see.


Attached is a pic of me twirling with the double veil a few years ago. I usually smile when I do it, I guess the photographer got me at a serious moment. This was taken by Andrew Casteel, as was the picture in my header with the sword.

The picture in my header was taken in San Francisco at a Burning Man event called Hookahdome. It was loads of fun, and I didn't have to pay the entrance fee because I was one of the performers. Plus I got to smoke all the hookah I wanted. After smoking myself out I remember going to Jack in the Box after for junk food at 2-3am.

Good times my lovelies, good times.

An eloquent douche bag

Hello There My Little Secret Squirrels,

Today's douche of the day was brave enough to provide a picture of himself. So I will give him credit for that, as most men posting on Craigslist upload dumbass images of flowers or kittens to fool the ladies into thinking they included a picture of themselves.

Without further ado, here is the manslation:

TITLE: Most Eloquent Bachelor in the Inner Sunset

Conceived in Israel by a Tunisian-born Israeli mother and a French father of dual Bavarian and Egyptian ancestry, I walked my first steps in a quaint city in northeastern France. The memories are hazy well, duh, but I’m told that my French-accented Hebrew toddler babble greatly amused my Israeli relatives. My linguistic predicament grew more complicated yet when, at the tender age of four, I was exiled to the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio, the site of my father’s new job. Traumatic though this may sound, I adjusted gracefully as normal children do. True, I nearly failed kindergarten because I was a dumbass even at the tender age of 5, but I attribute this to boredom more than anything else. Except for the year my family would spend in Israel, this was where I was to grow up. Sure, there were no medieval cathedrals or castles in sight. But the land was cheap and the parking was plentiful, and I found ways to keep myself occupied. My intent in high school was to become a journalist, or, more precisely, a polemicist. Indeed, I was already using my position on the school newspaper to be a royal douche bag launch scathing criticisms of my school’s administration—which viewed me as a douche bag rabble-rousing demagogue and eventually engineered my ouster from the paper. My sights turned from demagoguery to philosophy in college, to the point of deciding to become a philosopher myself No one listened to my bullshit, so I had to spin it as philosophy. This new path eventually landed me in Bloomington, Indiana, where I wallowed as a graduate student for four years—wallowing being the primary activity of all graduate students—still in the Midwest but, as usual, not of it. When the breaking point came, I banded together with two friends and u-hauled to New York City to spread the douchebaggery among the New Yorkers, where I taught philosophy and completed my dissertation on human nature, now a book and available to the general public in overpriced hardcover. But even as five exciting years went by, I had not yet joined the middle class still poor as fuck—not my highest priority thus far, but a priority nonetheless. I had been eyeing those LSAT prep manuals in the bookstore for a while, and the time had come to take the plunge. And so it was law school that brought me to the Bay Area I dropped out of law school. This led to some brief interactions with the "real world" about which others had always been speaking. Defending corporations against their employees’ legal assaults had its intrigue, to be sure. But working for the man was never my passion because they would always fire me for insubordination. Fortunately, an opportunity arose to make my way back to academia, this time as a lawyer-philosopher Not really, I didn't pass the bar. I now enjoy a quasi-bohemian lifestyle I'm broke and I don't bathe, writing my second book, and happily being paid to be myself. I live across the street from Golden Gate Park, where I like to walk and jog. I also enjoy hiking, camping, skiing in Tahoe, and Thai boxing. Travel, both in the US and elsewhere, is important to me, as I grew up doing a lot of it. I’m 5’6” and in good shape I'm average. My features are classically Mediterranean. My demeanor is at once mischievous and affable I have an awful grin on my face only a mother could love. Temperamentally, I am often ironic but almost never sarcastic I'm actually being sarcastic. While capable of taking myself seriously, I generally find it more entertaining not to do so. Neither boring nor boorish, I offer a woman a healthy combination of stimulation and sensitivity Basically I offer her my penis. Please include a picture with your response.

Big Translation:

1.) I have a present for you, actually it's not a present, it's my penis.

2.) If I include big words and call myself eloquent, surely I can confuse you into sleeping with me.

3.) Would you like to see my penis ?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Better Watch Out !


Commencement



Hello There My Little Secret Squirrels, (Comes from That Seventies Show)

I meant to post this pic last month as it was commencement season then. This was my graduation at the Spartans Stadium in May 2004. A couple of weeks later, all my stuff went into storage and I was on a plane to Barcelona.

I used to wear glasses, but I don't anymore due to LASIK, which is hands down the best money I ever spent, besides my travels.

My next commencement ceremony will be next weekend for my paralegal certificate. My favorite professor will be there, and he doesn't always come, so I am happy he decided he would attend this year. So I am glad, since he has been a big part in my education.

I am not sure if I will go back to school after this or not. If I do, I would consider law school. But honestly, I am not rushing.

The guy posing with me is my one and only brother. He is single, ladies so get at him, lol.

Other than that, I am in the middle of a quarter life crisis. I am happy with the choices I've made up to now, but I feel bored. I miss traveling, and I want nothing more than to get started in a career in my field. I just feel like nothing is happening right now. I like to think of myself as a free spirit, and I haven't really felt free in a couple of years. I am tired of looking at my old photos and reliving life through them. I want new pictures and memories to talk about. I just hope that things are manifesting for me and that's why I am not hearing anything. I guess time will tell.

I just feel like I don't have enough adventure. My life doesn't lack change or drama, but I do miss the adventures I used to have traveling overseas or when I was in college. My friends and peers are settling down, getting married and having babies. Except for starting my new career, I don't feel like I can hop on that wagon yet.

Okay my lovelies, time for me to clean my room or be productive before I go to work.

Besitos por todos !

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Real Ghetto Housewives

Hello My Lovelies,

So tonite is the finale of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. I can't wait to see that. One of the chicks actually flips a table out of anger. I can't wait to see that go down. A good televised catfight is always fun, especially so I can go and criticize their trashy behaviour after.

Other than that I took a quick hike today. I just needed to get out of the house and breathe some fresh air. I got to see the birds and squirrels.

Not much else to report.

Tootles.

Survey Whore Makes A Comeback

Hello There My Lovelies,

So my mama cita Ashleigh found her old blog from like 3 years ago. On it she had a survey. After having a read and giggling at her survey, I decided to fill in answers of my own.

~*YOU*
~1.What Time is it now? Half past a monkey's ass
2.What is your full name? Mistress Senorita
3.Single or taken? Single and bilingual
4.What does your name mean? Helper of mankind
5.Who picked out your name? I assume my parents
6.What's your nickname? Senorita, Sandrita, Sunshine
8.What colour are your eyes? Blue
9.Do you have an innie or an outie? Innie
10.What size are your shoes? 6
12.How tall (or short) are you? 5 ft
13.Honestly what do you like about yourself? My eyes
14.What do you always get complimented on? My eyes, sometimes my ass
15.What is your worst quality? I eat too much chocolate
16.What are the last four digits of your phone Number? 3192
17.Do you think you're cute? As a button
18.Hair colour? Brown
19.Do you wear contacts? Not anymore
20.Living Arrangements? With friends

~*FAVOURITES*~
21.Favourite Drink? Baileys over ice
22.Favourite month? November
24.Favourite Food? Korean, Spanish
25.Favourite Board Game? Scrabble
26.Favourite Web Site? hotchickswithdouchebags.com
27.Favourite Clothing Brand? Candies
28.Favourite day of the Year? Thanksgiving
29.Favourite colour? Blue
30.Favourite Animal? Birdies

*FAMILY AND FRIENDS*~
31.Do you have more girl or boy friends? Girls
33.Are your parents together? Negative
34.How often do you get together with the family? Holidays
35.Do you tell your parents or your friends more? I talk to my old man a lot, but my friends are privy to all the juicy gossip
36.Anything special about your parents? They are my parents

~*YES OR NO ~
*39.You're slutty? No
40.You Mean? No
42.You can keep secrets? Yes
43.You dance in front of the mirror? Totally, and I do the booty dance !
44.Sing in the shower? Hell no, someone is always home
46.You like Britney Spears? Yes
47.You've liked a cousin? Not like that
48.You've been in the opposite sexes bathroom? Well not in the public men's room
49.You've seriously hurt someone? I'm told I have, but it was not intentional
50.You've been hurt seriously? Definitely
53.r u willing to try new things? Totally depends
54.You've cheated on a test? Not since high school sophmore biology

~* RIGHT NOW ~

*57.What are you wearing? Pajamas
58.What colour are your pants? Green with frogs on them
59.What are you listening to? The TV
60.How are you feeling? Just chilling
61.What are you doing? Being a survey whore
62.What are you eating? Nothing right now
63.How many people are online? Haven't added IM yet
64.How's the weather? Overcast
65.What's on your mouse pad? No mousepad
66.What books are you reading? Sociopath Next Door

~*GIRLS ONLY*~ - down 2 da knitty gritty hey?

67.How many lip glosses do you have? So many, I am a lipgloss madam
68.What perfume do you use? Rapture
69.What's in your purse? Wallet, lip glosses, cell phone
70.Thong or regular panties? Panties
71.Tall or short boys? Taller than me
72.Blonde or brown haired guys? Brown
74.Boxers showing? Oh hell to the no !
75.Long hair or short hair on boys? Depends, but sometimes long hair can be sexy
76.What do you find annoying in a guy? When they talk about their penises up front
77.What's the first thing you notice about guys? Broad shoulders

~*OTHER QUESTIONS*~

88.What was the last movie you saw? Phat Girlz
89.What did you have for dinner? Veggie Pizza
90.What are you hoping for? Oh my, too much to list here
92.What movie do you really want to see? The Reader
95.Where is your favourite place to travel? Europe
96.What did you last dream about? I don't even remember
97.Last thing you ate? Veggie pizza
98.If you were a crayon what colour what would you be? Yellow
99.Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? The lady who makes my costumes
102.Ever had a crush on a teacher? Economics teacher in high school. All the girlies wanted a piece of him
103.Are you too shy to ask someone out? Yes, I believe men should be the hunters
104.Scary movies or happy ending? Happy ending, my babies.....
105. Summer or winter? Summer
106. One night stands or relationships? Prefer relationships
107.Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate
108.Do you want your friends to write back? Not required
109.Who is most likely to respond? Don't care
110.Who is least likely to respond? Don't care
111.What did you do last night? Worked
112. What time is it now? Half past a monkey's ass according to his balls.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Dick Von Douche

Hello There My Precious Lovelies,

Like I've mentioned before, I believe that people should date who they're attracted to. I don't care if you're white and only date Asians. It's not closeminded or racist, it just means that's what you're attracted to and makes you excited. For me, I will befriend anyone. However, when it comes to dating someone, I am a little more selective and I do have my preferences. A lot of people do.

But I do have a problem with people who base their desires on ignorant stereotypes. I don't like it when whites who go after other groups advertise that they're from a white, upperclass neighborhood and brag about their "elite" lives and talk about their limited exposure to other cultures. There is no reason to advertise that right off the bat. Plus it carries racist undertones to me.

Anyhoochie here is the douche of the day. ......................


TITLE: Sexy? Sensual? Asian? Bet the Asian chicks were never fed that by a white guy before....

Reply to: pers-qhphe-1221237629@craigslist.orgDate: 2009-06-14, 12:05PM


All my life I've dated White women . Being from a very white upperclass suburban neighborhood read: we were taught to privately look down on other ethnic groups and we were middle class at best. I had little exposure to women of other ethnic persuasions see above. From the cradle I was basically surrounded by blonde women with blue eyes almost sounds like I was specifically bred to be a part of the Aryan nation. At my elite private college prep high school note that I didn't even make it to college I could count the number of non-white students on one hand. I'm not proud of this, I'm just stating the facts. I am secretly proud of this, and I think I am doing you a favor by even offering to date you. Now I'm living and working in and around SF. I see all these hot Asian women hand in hand with white men. I'll admit I'm a bit jealous. Jealous and wondering why none of them have thrown themselves at a white man like me. Mainly I'm shocked that such fine women are usually with such pathetic looking guys honestly, I don't look any better. Now I'm not saying I'm Pierce Brosnan here but I'm often told how good looking I am. I pose in the mirror with my shirt off often. I'm also a former Professional Athlete I did track in high school and I keep my body fit I shop at Whole Foods. I'm nearly over 6 feet tall with light brown hair, blue eyes and I've been told on multiple occasions that my 'equipment' is of the oversized or 'XL' variety I have huge saggy balls but my schlong is kinda small. While I'm fairly new here in the Bay area and have absolutely no idea of how to approach women, I think it's time for me to reach out and make an attempt at meeting a sassy, sexy, fun Asian girl. A girl that is not super traditional and conservative that puts out fast (i'm not talking political views). Basically I'm looking for laid back fun and adventure sleeping with me and trying the new tantric poses I learned in that advanced yoga class. I need a girl that has a strong sexual appetite and is not affraid to admit it I like 'em slutty. A woman who is intelligent and thoughtful yet passionate and borderline reckless giving in to her primal sensual desires which she refuses to supress Slutty, but thinks her mission is to serve me. Great sex would be hot but let's face it, we'd need a connection great sex is really all I want. It should be obvious that I'm not looking for lots of responses, rather that ONE quality response that will lead to endless fun and excitement I ain't gonna lie, I expect a lot of responses for a white guy like me. If you like what you've read let's trade pics and take it from there. A world of fun, adventure and passion awaits. Email me quick, let's get the fun started!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

At least he's honest

Well Hello There Again My Precious Little Lovelies,

I found an ad off Craigslist that IS my translation to most of the ads out there. I don't think it gets more honest than this, folks.

Without further ado, I leave you with this prize ................................


I want to GET laid - m4w - 20 (daly city)

Reply to: pers-t5rfe-1220534046@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]Date: 2009-06-13, 8:34PM PDT

honestly i just want to get laid.

looking for ANY pussy


Wow.

With the lack of capitalization and the emphasis on ANY, I surmise that is is so incredibly horny that he probably can't even see straight.

Not exactly my cup of tea. I do prefer some compliments, dinner and conversation beforehand. But that's just me. Something tells me that he's just not capable of any of the above anyway.

Poor horny twenty year old boy.

Deja- WTF !!!


Hello There My Lovelies,


So I was in search for my next manslation last night. I was just scrolling down and reading the usual ads of the "sincere" married dudes looking for pootang, or the guys offering women financial a$$istance in exchange for "companionship" when I stumbled along the following prize:


TITLE: Creeper alert, red flag!!


Beware of this very rude, and disrespectful guy. He's been on CL for years, with the same pics and pretty much the same posts. He changes his age from 35 going backwards to 33! his deal is that he likes what he likes(small petite asians prefferably) , and that's ok, but if you're not anything that he likes, boy is he rude about it. He will also tell you almost immediately of his fantasy to mess around on your front porch, or front lawn. He's really rude, not nice about a thing, and his pics are old and he lies about his age. I think that's enough to continue flagging the douche!
I was like OMG !! I know that guy !! I've actually talked to him before !! He has been on Match.com as well as Yahoo Personals. The first time I saw him was 3 years ago on Match. He wasn't that rude, and in that pic he is good looking to me and his profile wasn't bad. We emailed and he left me one voicemail, and then I never heard from again.
Fast foward to later last year around August. I was on Yahoo Personals, and I see this pic again. He says I look familiar, and we e-mail each other, and this time he was a bonafide douche nozzle. I think he asked me a few questions about my body, and then he immediately told me about his fantasy to mess around on the front porch or my lawn, and then told me to chime in with my fantasies. I just deleted him. My neighborhood at the time was ghettofabulous so it would've been fun to have him "meet me" but instead instruct him to the wrong street and have him stand out there.
Had I been paying attention, I would've noticed that he's been 35-33 for the past 3 years. And I would've questioned why he used the same pics over and over.
Also, any man that states he is a good cuddler and listener up front in his profile isn't really that sincere. Sincerely wants to get in your pants, yes, but sincerely wants to get to know you, no.

Friday, June 12, 2009

OMG ! BFFs !

Hello There My Lovelies,

I am so happy that I don't have to work tonite. I am tired.

Last nite I drove up to see my friend Ashleigh. If you don't know, we've been friends since we worked together at Enterprise Rent a Car. We both are no longer car rental bitches, and although we ditched the job we kept the friendship. That company is like a cult, everyone drinks the cool aid, so when you leave most people still there don't want to talk to you anymore. Ashleigh did not drink the cool aid.

We went to the mall, and I went to Victoria's Secret.........AGAIN. I know, very bad, but there is that semi-annual sale. This time I bought a new bra. It lifts and separates and I couldn't be happier. I refuse to buy my bras anywhere else.

After the mall we bought some junkfood and then watched a couple of Sex in the City episodes in bed. We were eating our junkfood and watched the episodes under the covers. I had cookie dough ice cream. Felt kinda like a sleepover, even though I didn't spend the night. Her mom even came in to say goodnite, lol.

It's been a while since I've watched Sex and the City episodes. They are classic, and to me they don't go out of style. The Sex and the City movie was alright, but it doesn't come close to the episodes. To me, the movie just felt like a short reunion. I just liked it better when the girls were single and happening.

Other than last night I went mini golfing with old friends today. It was a lot of fun. I hadn't been to Golfland since I was a teenager. And this time I acted like a teenager. I made crude references to the golfballs. "Why is my ball red ? I wanted the blue one", "Oh look, I have three balls", "My hands are to small to hold these balls." I just could not stop with the ball jokes and the girl scouts were there. Shame on me.

Anyway, time to go my little lovelies.

Happy Friday and have a nice weekend.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Don't Pitch The Bitch

Hello There My Lovelies,

God, I am such a Victoria's Secret mistress/slut/whore. I've been wearing their lotions and perfumes and lipglosses lately and me likey long time. I'm currently wearing their perfume Rapture. Notice I said "currently" because I don't stay faithful to one scent for long.

Anywho, on to other topics..................

Like older self-employed men that telemarket people like yours truly. Older male telemarketers are a real trip. They call ME and disturb me and pitch me with products, and when I ask questions or dare I challenge them with questions, they usually decide to tell me that they've been around longer than I have been alive. The only person who talks to me like that is my father, and he hasn't uttered that line since I was a teen.

Yesterday I get a call from this guy pitching insurance for a company called HealthMarkets. Type that in your search engine and see what you get. Littered with complaints and a lawyer blogging about the lawsuits filed against them. Just wow.

I found that out after I took his call and typed his phone number into Google.

Anyway, this guy said that he "somehow" got my number. It just came across his desk. And apparently I am in the market for health insurance. How original. He probably bought a list somewhere. When I telemarketed in Spain, we pulled out numbers from the Yellow Pages. Yeah, straight out of the phone book and then were instructed to tell people that we got their list off of the lists provided to us by their local chamber of commerce. Many people never questioned that. If people have to lie about how they got your number, then you know they are really up to no good.

Yes, I was looking for health insurance 2 years ago. People still call me once in a while. If a good deal comes along, I am interested, after a buttload of research of course.

I am very difficult to insure. Long story, so any joe off the street who tells me he can get me low cost health insurance up front is talking out his ass. He also peppered his speech with describing his company as "world class" and "high class". That's code for: If I keep telling you how great our company is, you will ask less questions.

I said the following which he did not like:

1.) If your company has been around for a while and is so great, then how come I've never heard of them ? He said a bunch of things which I didn't pay much attention to. He also pointed out that he's been around longer than I've been alive. What a douchey older man.

2.) I have friends in the insurance business, and they agree that I am difficult to insure. He told me that we all know different things, and that my friends don't know what he knows. So let's get together and exchange information. He's right I guess my friends don't know how to rip me off.

3.) I am driving to work, so can you please e-mail me the information so that I can have a look at it ? Of course he could not e-mail it to me. However we could meet at his office. Drag me in so he could pressure me in person.

4.) I don't do business over the phone. He said "Of course you don't. You can't legally do it over the phone. You have to have a license and I will give you that number." But honestly, just because you're licensed does not mean that you're any good. You can still legally rip people off as long as what you are doing is disclosed somewhere in the loads of fine print you heap on the client and briefly gloss over. Plus he could lie and tell me something different than what's in the fine print.

He did one thing right, he wouldn't let me off the phone until I strongly told him I was late for work. Which is probably why he's still around as old looking as he is. Doing business and marketing yourself is one thing. Telemarketing is another story. As a telemarketer you can't get anywhere being nice. It is a psychological wrestle. The most successful people in telemarketing assume a different persona and wrestle the other person to the ground until the person gives up.

The greatest thing I learned from telemarketing is this: Just hang up the phone and don't even listen. I was dumb enough to give him time because I haven't gotten pitched like this before due to the Do Not Call List. Usually I get e-mails which go to my spam box. I really thought he was he was reputable at first until I talked to him longer. I have to be a little more careful.

Unless you know the person, there is absolutely no reason for the person on the other line to be honest with you. I have seen a 20 year old dude who partied all the time assume the personality and voice of a 40 something year old married man with two children. He instantly became a respectable sounding man over the phone and got complete strangers in other countries who barely spoke English to wire him thousands of dollars. It's amazing how fast people simply trust others. I've seen it so many times. I know people who gave up their own children because someone told them their children were evil.

When I telemarketed many men would not pitch women. They said " I don't pitch the bitch". I think they are right and don't take offense to that. Women ask questions and it just wears the telemarketer out to explain everything and keep in contact with them. It is the men who are more easily persuaded to hand their money over due to their egos. The broker can easily play to the man's ego and make him feel like a big pussy for consulting his wife on investments. "Do you talk to your wife when you pay the bills ? No ? Then you should do this for her. She'll be so happy when you buy her new shoes. You'll probably get a blow job."

Boiler Room is definitely a good film to watch, as the business they pitched was shady.

Okay, time for me to go and see my mama cita Ashleigh. Time to hang out and eat junk food and talk about boys.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A trip down memory lane.................








Hello There My Lovelies,
First of all, I want to say how difficult Blogger (this blog) can be sometimes. Uploading pictures and making them neat can be tough sometimes. I want to throw out a few cuss words, but I am blogging about my family so I will save it for later.
Above are some of the the pictures my mom took in Austria. The one of the lady in the blue dress is my Austrian grandmother, my Oma, back in the day. She was a strong woman and could hold her own. I always admired that about her. I thought I was over her death and moved on. Because I feel in my heart she is back with my Opa and hasn't looked back. But once in a while it really burns to know that she won't be around if I get married or start a family. Really burns. Anyway, the group photo next to that is us at her funeral. The girl in black next to me is my favorite Austrian cousin. Included in that picture besides my aunt, uncle and mom are people from my grandpa's side of the family, whom I didn't meet until then. The last of the Wuertingers (my Oma's family name). It is so sad that the older generation in my family is starting to pass away. There is so much family history, and I am just glad my grandma had a hand in helping me learn my roots. It was the greatest gift she gave me.
The picture below that is my mother standing in front of our family house in the countryside, in a little town called Asenham. When I was growing up and spent time there we went to the lake nearby for a swim. Anyhow, before this, my mom hadn't been back to Austria for 28 years. I can't describe it, but the way my mom is posing in that picture is so typical Austrian. I don't get to see the Austrian in her like that until she is back in her old stomping grounds. Or if she is walking next to my aunt, then you can watch them walk together in the same manner. It's a trip.
The picture of the street, is a typical street in Hallein, the town where my grandmother lived and my mother was born.
My mother has more pictures, which made me more emotional. I think it got me emotional because she took them, and I saw Austria through her eyes in those pictures. I don't capture it in my photos like she does in her pictures.
I lived there once for 6 months as a 10 year old with my aunt and cousins. Then I lived with my Oma in 1998 for the summer.
I really wish my mother had left me there as a 10 year old.




Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Wink Wink ;)

Hello There My Lovelies,

Time to take a little break from my manslating. You're gonna need it because I have some more perverse ads in my war chest. Good lord........... Craigslist does not disappoint, lol.

Time to write a little post based on personal experience out in the dating jungle since I am still a Senorita. I've dated from meeting people face to face, and from the internet as well. There are some lines men use that seem to reappear all the time. These men who spit these lines think they are being original. Original as all the other men who used them before. Someone please get the word out and help them !

Here is my short list of overused phrases out there in the dating world that just never seem to die....................

1.) I'M A LOVER, NOT A FIGHTER. Oh good lord, shut up and put your penis away, please.

2.) I DON'T WANT KIDS RIGHT NOW BUT I WOULDN'T MIND PRACTICING ;) ;) We get it, you wanna get laid. Could you be any more obvious ? But couldn't you go about getting it in a more original way ? Flowers, and MANNERS go a looooong way. Chivalry is free, and gets you laid faster.

3.) I'M LOOKING FOR A PARTNER IN CRIME, A CO-CONSPIRATOR, A CO-PILOT. This is so old and overused even the chicks use it on their profiles. But when a man says it, it's even lamer. Like what are we gonna do ? Rob a bank, conspire to commit murder ? Fly a plane ? Hey, if you got a private jet, that's cool, but list that. Otherwise please kill it with that line.

4.) I MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR. Just gross. Please stop. It conjures up the image of some hippy trying to bang every chick he sees.

5.) I LOVE TO GIVE A GOOD, RELAXING MASSAGE. WOMEN SAY I HAVE NICE HANDS. What you're really saying is that you want to frisk us as soon as possible and go straight for the happy ending. And when you say "hands" I know you really want to say "penis". So please stop, and no I don't want to see your penis. How about a drink and some conversation first ?

and last but not least.................. wait for it.......................... ah yes...........

6.) I AM A LESBIAN IN A MAN'S BODY. It just baffles me. Men who use this line usually say it with the dumbest grin on their faces and they say it like they're the first to ever utter such a line. We get it. You love the vajay jay, as that is probably the reason you asked us out. How about just throwing us a compliment instead when you feel the urge to mutter such a line. It will get you to the vijay faster.

And what about you ? Any lines to add ? Please do share...................

Jesus H, Holy Mother of God !



Above: Our douche of the day probably looked like this back in his prime
Below : 1994 Crysler LeBaron Pimpmobile, just missing the man with a pornostache

Hello There My Lovelies,

I came across an intersting ad on Craigslist. While I read it my jaw fell to the floor, you just can't make this shit up I tell you. I've ripped on the white dudes that chase the Asian chicas. But that's because there are so many of these ads on Craigslist, and many of these boys are simply ignorant. There is a difference between genuinely liking someone or being attracted to a different ethnic group (me encanta los hombres latinos), and then there is going after a certain group soley based on stereotypes and ignorant notions. I think the latter is ridiculous so I choose to poke fun at it.


I've lived in the SF Bay Area since I was 5. I've also been raised in a Korean background for about 20 years due to my family studying the martial arts. I may not speak fluent Korean, but I've watched Korean soap operas, been to Seoul, taken martial arts, my mom remarried in a Korean wedding, I've attended Korean church sermons, and I absolutely love Korean cuisine. I know the Korean national anthem.


Here in the SF Bay Area there are tons of other Asian communities, and I've become familiar with some of them as well, especially the Vietnamese culture, as many of them fled their country and came here in the 198os.


With that said, I can spot the white dudes that are after the Asian chicks based on the "stereotype". The stereotype that they are quiet, submissive and ready to serve their men hand and foot. A stereotype I don't think is true, as I've seen things differently and gotten a better understanding of the culture.


Anyway, below is the ad of the man who took his fetish to the total extreme where it sounds racist. I've never seen an ad quite like this. He is in his fifties, and I think he probably fought in the Vietnam War or his dad fought in the Korean War.


Honestly, I can't think of many witty lines to insert in there, so I will just leave most of the little manslation pearls at the end........................


E Voila !


Looking for China DollReply to: pers-awbus-1211504297@craigslist.orgDate: 2009-06-08, 11:21AM


White Master of 52 years of age looking for my personal China Doll 25-40 I assume they are all from China. You came to this country or born here and was taught to serve and be obedient to an American man The hookers abroad told me they live to serve white men, so it must be true. You will not need to work and your education at SF State or UC Berkeley is not important because if you fall for me you are a dumb ass anyway. All that is required is that you stay home, clean and cook while you wait for me to come home, and often will play a role in which I will provide the clothing. It can be sexy lingerie and thongs, a naughty Japanese school girl or be nude only wearing a blond wig (unless you already dyed your hair blonde like most girls of the Orient do) . All you have to do is wear what I require of you by the time I get home but it is important that you finish all the chores I give you each day. You will be allowed to wear your traditional kimono or karate outfit if desired. Most Asian women don't do karate, dipshit You can entertain me while I eat the meals you prepare for me by playing the piano or violin which you were taught at a young age. I will teach you to cook American food and use American utensils (fork, spoon, knife) can I shove a chopstick up your nose ? and become more Westernized while you teach me about Oriental customs with your exotic massages and foot rubs. You will be taught to drive an American classic car (Chrysler LeBaron UGLY only pervs with pornstaches drive that)PROPERLY, which you can show off to your friends but cannot drive your family to chinatown or pick up recycle cans in the neighborhood Oh no he did not go there !. I keep my cars clean. If you have friends, they too can keep you company and are welcomed to my home and help keep my house clean and can wait for me to come home each day patiently and I will reward you both physically after I take the blue pill, I have a small penis. It's a traditional custom that an American man have an obedient China Doll from the orient Thats what all men from the 1970s with pornstaches say. We were both ( with your firend sisiter or even both) are meant to live in harmony. Oriental mothers with legal aged daughter always a pleasant welcome.




MANSLATION TIME:


1.) I am an old Vietnam Vet, and too set in my ways to accept the change in the world.

2.) I watched too many Bruce Lee and other Kung Fu films

3.) I want a girlfriend like the one from Full Metal Jacket
4.) I've also always wanted to nail the girl in Karate Kid.
5.) I have an extensive Yellow Fever porno collection and sometimes don't leave the house.

6.) I'm a frequent guest at all the San Francisco illegal massage parlours and all the trafficked girls say they love me and I actually believe they really love and worship me.




Monday, June 8, 2009

Locked Up

Hello There My Lovelies,

I have a new ritual every late Saturday night now. I like to get a snack and watch NBC's Locked Up. They also have Locked Up Extended Stay and Locked Up Raw. I find it to be very interesting. Basically covering prison life. You get to listen to the prison guards talk as well as get interviews from some of the prisoners.

I got some good work out ideas from watching those series. Those men live in small closed areas and still manage to come out buffed. They don't even need any equipment. You can do arm dips on your bed. You can do pushups, sit ups and squats on the floor. You can do burpees. There is never an excuse to not get in shape. Having no money to buy equipment is especially a bad excuse.

Those series make me value my freedom more. I can take a walk outside and enjoy the fresh air and smell the roses. I can travel overseas. I can talk to whomever I want. I don't know how I would deal if my freedom were taken away.

I can't imagine being out of touch with the rest of the world for over 20 years. At my internship with the Public Defender's Office, one of our clients was recently released after 20 years behind bars for drugs. He did not know how to use a cell phone. He was almost crying because he was scared and didn't know if he could survive in the real world. Our city has changed so much. Twenty years ago there were different stores, different people, different cultures. It's all changed.

Yet many people who get out of prison re-offend and end up back at square one. Prison is a hell hole, but apparently its not bad enough to scare people into cleaning their lives up. It's a life style, a mentality and I guess unless you just can't understand unless it's your lifestyle. I don't understand it. I hope I never do.

Anyway, as I was watching the documentary I was watching the prison guards talk. They acted real professional on tape. They were addressing everyone as "Sir" and writing up official reports when there was an incident such as a stabbing or finding contraband. When the prisoners were acting rowdy and out of hand, the prison guards handled it very efficiently and in a professional manner. They were talking about how they are professional with the prisoners because they too are human.

I kinda laughed because I highly doubt the guards always act like that when the cameras are off. I am sure many do. Don't get me wrong, I commend the guards because it takes some serious balls to work in a prison. But I've heard of the guards cussing at or beating inmates or not writing the reports the needed to write. It's so easy to get away with, and who are you gonna believe, the convicted murderer serving a life sentence or the prison guard ? So watching all that professional demeanor kinda made me wonder what really goes on when the cameras are off.

My favorite episode was the documentary about San Quentin. San Quentin is an hour away from where I live, and one of the oldest prisons in California. It was built in the 1850s. I drive by it when I go visit my grandma, it's right by the Bay Bridge. As a child, when my dad drove us to my grandma's he always made it a point to say " Oh look kids, there's San Quentin. If you don't behave and you do something stupid and break the law, that's where you'll end up. Wave to all the prisoners now." I would ask my dad more questions and he made sure to tell me it's one of the more violent prisons.

Our prison system here in CA is out of control. Due to our budget crisis, our prisons are overcrowded, and outdated. Now they've converted the gym at San Quentin into an area with bunkbeds to house the prisoners. It's a recipe for disaster, when you put all these violent men together with less than 3 feet of space in between them. A lot of rehabilitation programs have been cut. A lot of career training programs have been cut. And a lot of prisoners are complaining about that. But here's how I see it. Our public school system is getting the big stiffy and many innocent children who haven't committed any crimes are getting shafted out of a good education because of our budget crisis. Some our hospitals have been closed down. Programs for at risk children have lost funding. So why on earth should we put the prisoners above them and fund their rehabilitation efforts ? Especially since most reoffend anyway. It doesn't matter how many programs you have, most don't want to change. And the ones that do want change and become success stories don't blame the system.

While I watched the documentary, I just wondered where these guys went wrong. Why did they let their lives spin out of control ? What drove that guy to kill his grandmother ? Why did the guy choose to violate parole when he became a new father and knew his children depended on him ? Why couldn't he just walk away when he was insulted, why did he shoot the guy instead of just walking away ?

I grew up thinking that we were inherently good people even if someone wronged us. That we were born knowing that we shouldn't harm another person. That we don't harm others unless it's in self defense. That stealing from others is wrong. But I grew up with people to help me differentiate between right and wrong.

After watching these documentaries, I realized how important good role models are. How easy would it be for us to be locked up if we didn't have the role models in our lives that we have.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Creme de la Creme ?

More like Douche de la Douche.

The following is another ad from Craigslist that is just begging for me to "manslate". As usual, my manslations are in bold.





TITLE: Asian? I need a change I've never heard that before on Craigslist.

Replyto: pers-f4jd5-1197324215@craigslist.orgDate: 2009-05-30, 4:29PM


Women tell me I'm a very attractive and handsome guy I pose in the mirror with my shirt off. I can't guarantee I'll be your type but if you like tall, well built Caucasian guys with light eyes then you might want to find out My bros told me Asian chicks are all over white guys like flies in honey, so get at me . I just got out of a relationship with my gf of nearly 5 years. Three words: 1.) BAGGAGE ! 2.) Rebound Fuck 3.) You get to listen to me cry about how she dumped me. She was the quintessential blond and I am the quintessential douche that chased her for 5 years. Air headed, big fake boobs (that sprung a leak a year ago) and already addicted to botox at age 32 I paid for the boobies and got her addicted to botox. I've always admired Asian women from afar. I always loved how they bowed to me while serving me in the Korean restaurant, and how the lady at the salon offered me a massage in her sweet soft voice. Now I'd love to meet one up close and personal. I want the massage with happy ending for free. Maybe you can help me with this. Get at me ladies, you know you want this.

Signed A tall and fit/built now single white guy with blue eyes. Good luck, ladies.......

Payday Damage

Aloha my lovelies,

Yesterday I got paid, and I did some damage. Victoria's Secret is having a sale, and I decided to go whore around there.

I bought lotions, perfume, as well as lip gloss on sale. The lip gloss is the best, and it was 75% off, so you can't beat that. I also got a free gift bag with other items. I was happy.

I normally don't buy vanilla scented items, but I bought the perfume called Vanilla Lace. So many other women wear vanilla scents. But this smelled really good and I don't smell like a vanilla cookie. It smells kinda sexy. Meow !

I am done shopping until next pay day.

I also went to my storage unit and dug out my digital camera. I want to start taking pictures again. Unfortunately, it's broken so no luck there. Time to buy a new digi cam, or at least wait until I get paid again.

Anywho, time to log off and do something productive......... like look for another manslation.

Tootles.....

Rakkasah 2009










Photography By Michael Baxter


























Friday, June 5, 2009

TGIF

Hello There My Lovelies,

Today is Friday, I am not working, and I just got paid ! Woot !

I didn't work yesterday, and I stayed in my room the whole day. I watched TV and played Solitaire. I need to delete that game off my laptop. Otherwise my ass will grow roots into the chair and I will never leave. But I kick ass at the game though.

I plan on roaming around outside today......

I got a call from the guy I interviewed with a couple of days ago. He told me that the firms he was going to send me feel that although I have a very good resume, that they would have to train me and they don't want to train me.

I interviewed for a position as a records clerk. I went to a four year university and then got my paralegal certificate. And the firms would rather hire people with less education, but who have better filing skills. It's frustrating and it seems that there is no end to this.

I can learn this stuff. I am so hungry for more legal experience that I can probably even figure some of it out myself. I've been in the situations before in my internships. If I've gone out and volunteered and interned for free while working full time and going to school, surely I can quickly learn how to maintain records. I know it's more complicated that just filing, but still. I can do it.

I have to start from somewhere, and I just need someone to give me a chance.

Anyhooch, time to log off for now.

Kisses !

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Douche of the Day


Hello My Lovelies,
Would you wanna date this prize ? I didn't think so, lol. I got him off the website Hot Chicks with Douchbags.
Now for my manslation off Craigslist. As usual my manslations are in bold.
Title: I JUST LOVE BUSTY BRUNETTES!
I'm not like the miscreants I'm just a big, hairy villain, thats all on this site and I'm not delusional, women do think I'm very attractive according to my photoshopped picture. I'm in peninsula with a big package just big saggy balls, my penis is small. I'm Seriously hung hungover also realistic about my appearance: which is pretty good looking my mommy said so, 6'1 191 lbs, blue eyes, a young looking 36 y.o with all my gray hair and bad teeth (a bonus for craigslist right? At least it's there). I want a busty brunette girl for fun today. Not concerned about your race, or age so much I will bang anything with boobs, just be sexy! In return you get taken to new levels of breast worship and head to toe satisfaction! Besides you get to play with my XL toy the vibrator in my nightstand drawer!

Douchebaggery

Hello There My Lovelies,

I am listening to Loveline right now with Dr. Drew and my favorite band 311 is on. I love 311 and they are coming to town this weekend on tour for the BFD tour. Too bad I have to work :( The lead singer Nick Hexum is really hot and I love his deep voice. Especially while he is giving sex advice to young confused callers. He can advise me anytime.

On another note, I worked with Mr. Angry Pants today. I am thinking of changing his name to Mr. Ass Bug, because I feel that a large bug crawled up his crack and logdged itself in his bunghole. If you are new to my blog, here is a refresher of Mr. Angry Pants. You can skip past the first half of the post to get to the juice.
http://frauleinsenorita.blogspot.com/2009/05/pretty-and-ugly.html

So I was just minding my own business and I managed to avoid him for pretty much the whole 8 hours. It was within the last 10 minutes of my shift that he decided to leave me with some of his pearls of wisdom.

He is black, and basically he was shocked to learn that I get along with the other African American and the guys from Ethiopia. I've been working there for about 3 years and have gotten along with everyone there. He was most shocked that the other African American guy there is my friend. I don't know where the hell that came from. I knew that Mr. Angry Pants had an issue with me, but I didn't realize that it was because he felt I was incapable of getting along with blacks and Africans. Like, what did he expect me to do, walk up to him and tell him I like black people ????

So I told him that he was the only one with the issue, and that he never took the time to get to know me. Luckily my replacement showed up so I could scoot out the door before he could verbally barf on me again. Awkward !

Seriously, what an asshat. I live in the SF Bay, it is 2009 and I can't believe that this is still an issue. I would expect this in a small town, but not at my job in the heart of Silicon Valley.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Mindless Banter

Hello There My Lovelies,

I noticed that I have new followers. I feel so special. Welcome to my world, my lovelies ! You are all loved, lol.

I wanted to ask you a question..........

What country is best for a vacation in November/December ?

Today was interesting because I had a last minute interview with a legal placement agency. I got a call in the morning and ended up driving over an hour for the interview. But I will write more about that later. I want to see how things play out first.

Tonight Real Housewives of New Jersey are on. I've watched all the seasons: Orange County, New York, Atlanta and now New Jersey. And so far Jersey has the most drama. Good lord, that woman Danielle Staub is such a trainwreck, I can't look away. Apparently she was featured in a book called "Cop without a Badge" where the author said he met her as an exotic dancer and drug addict. She was also arrested for kidnapping and extortion but her man at the time who was well connected and got her a good deal. She then changed her name.

If I were her and I got off, I would've freaking stayed out of the spotlight. What does she do ? She appears in a reality show where her dirty past including her old name and mugshots get aired. What a genius.

This show is such an addiction. I am waiting to get home to watch the rerun.

Tootles