What I was thinking 5 years ago..............

Hello There My Lovelies,

For starters, it is so cold here. Plus it has been very windy. My car swerved a little on the highway because it was so windy.

I've been reflecting a little on my life a little. Below is part of an e-mail I sent to someone I trusted 5 years ago.......

" I am going to Spain on Saturday. In the mean time I have been relaxing here in Austria and doing a lot of thinking. I went to a church in the city and prayed a little. I basically asked God to help me find out what it is in life I should be doing.

I know this sounds stupid, but I don't put all my trust in God. I am scared that what He wants for me is not what I will want. I asked God today to help me trust Him more, because I can't keep thinking that way anymore. You have a very close relationship with God, and I wish I could be closer to Him. "

I wrote that in June 2004. A lot has changed in the past 5 years. Basically, I sought answers in my life over and over. I thought God was punishing me because I didn't get what I wanted quickly. God answered my prayers very slowly, and I had to do the work to get them. Because I wasn't getting fast relief, I felt God had forgotten about me.

Back then I had no idea what it was that even made me tick. I just graduated from college with a degree in business and I felt so uncomfortable. I tried to apply for jobs, and internships, but nothing worked out. I tried to lie and sound confident in interviews, but the interviewers weren't buying it. I got good grades, but I couldn't for the life of me imagine sitting in an office and do marketing based work. I didn't even realy like marketing.

I minored in Spanish and excelled in my Spanish classes and Latin American studies. That was a lot of fun.

It took a few years before I was led down the path of legal studies. But it took a lot of soul searching and failed attempts at other things before I realized it. I took marketing because family told me to take it. I discovered my love for legal studies all on my own.

I was also angry with God because I made mistake after mistake in the dating world and couldn't see what was wrong. The men I were interested in were emotionally unavailable, and I was not interested in men that were attracted to me. I thought that God was punishing me for something, but didn't know what.

One thing God has done for me is taken a proverbial mirror and put it in front of me, so I can see how I haven't commanded the level of respect in men that I deserve. Everyone else can tell you how fabulous you are, but if you don't believe it, no man will. Men have instincts and can pick up what you're putting out there in a quick second. Healthy attracts healthy.

I will write more about my dating past in another journal, but it's still painful to think about. I am still single, but one thing I have learned is that after making the same mistakes over and over, you start to get tired of the pain that it causes you and you start changing. If you're not having luck in dating, stop dating, step back and take a close look at yourself. There is a reason why you keep attracting the wrong people, why people walk all over you, why they're not emotionally available to you. It all comes from the vibe you're putting out there, and how you feel about yourself. If you're emotionally a wreck, you are not going to meet prince charming. Sure, he's being attentive and listening to all your problems now, but he's not emotionally healthy either. He's a rescuer. He's just as insecure about himself as you are and he gets his validation from rescuing the damsel in distress. And when you get stronger emotionally again, that relationship will fall apart.

The biggest thing that changed for me in the course of 5 years is that the person I wrote the e-mail to is no longer someone I trust. I relied on her to tell me about God for years. But in the end, when my bubble was burst it really made me question my beliefs. Her perception of God and mine were completely different. It made me reflect and I had to develop my own beliefs in God again, and that took a lot of time. But at least I didn't lose faith in God.

Speaking of religion, if you want a relationship with God, you need to be willing to do the work yourself. You need to really ask questions and keep most things between you and God. It gets real dangerous when you invite another person to help you develop a relationship with God, because that is their perception. And when they push their beliefs on you, or try to become persuasive, you sort of lose control over your own perceptions and adopt theirs. It is really difficult to know who has your best interests at heart. Priests and people in church are there to encourage you in your path and cheer you on, but when they start doubting what you believe in or start judging you, you shouldn't let that happen.

Anyway, I feel like I've poured my heart out in this entry. It just took me a little more time on Earth to realize that God will give you what you ask for, but in his own time, and only if you are fully committed to receive those answers and are willing to work for the answers.