Today I've Decided................

That I am not going to date for the rest of the year.

I know, some of you may laugh, and some may think "yeah, right", I've decided that I am just going to make the rest of this year about me. I've got plenty to do to keep myself occupied anyway, I need to get my career going for starters, and after that happens, I would love to get my own place and make it my own. I've been renting rooms since I left the nest.

I've done a lot of soul searching since I turned 28 and I've realized a lot of things about myself. For starters, I've finally realized most of the mistakes I've been making when it comes to the male population.

Here are some reasons I am going to hold off on dating for a while....

1.) Right now, I am not ready to be in a serious relationship. That doesn't mean that I want to be with a man casually. It's just that I've got a lot on, and that I am just starting to create the life that I want, and I want to change the person I am and my outlook on life.

2.) I date men, expecting them to hurt me or get one thing out of me. I subconsciously think that men that I date aren't honest with me or just want a piece of me. I don't think you would see this from me on a date. If you were on a date with me, I would be smiling, telling jokes, polite as can be. I wouldn't talk about my past or try to bring up yours. But how I act and how I feel are different.

But I feel the way that I do because I have been deceived before and it came from my childhood first. I used to be so naive, and men have walked all over me. I feel that if I am not catching bullshit and stopping it, then I must be getting lied to. It's almost like I get satisfaction out of catching a man in a lie or calling him on his bs. This is such a dangerous way to think. No wonder I've been attracting the wrong types of men. I've been expecting it. What I expect, I get. It's dysfunctional.

I know that I have to change this line of thinking. Dr. Phil, Oprah, Tyra, and Steve Ward from Tough Love would love to lecture me about this until I am blue in the face. But it is such a hard thing to break free from. It is something I constantly struggle with. It is much easier said than done.

3.) I haven't set high standards for myself. I think that many women don't set higher standards for themselves. And I am not talking about the impossible list of "He must be 6ft tall and gorgeous, straight teeth, handsome, rich, single, love me even though I am 300 lbs, and love children and animals." I am not talking about "standards" like that.

I am talking about knowing exactly what I want from a man. And until recently, I haven't had a plan. I finally figured out that what I want from a man is a relationship where he is comitted. I think it is really important as a female to know exactly what you are looking for, what you want, and what you won't tolerate. Then when you go out and date, find a man that matches those qualities, and don't settle until you get it.

Here is my list of my most important things in a man that I will start looking for:

1.) He does what he says he is going to do and keeps his word.
2.) He has short term and long term goals in life.
3.) He takes his time in getting to know me and doesn't always shower me with compliments, he saves those for later down the road.
4.) He is financially responsible (I've worked very hard to do the same)
5.) He is health conscious
6.) He is a provider. He doesn't have to be rich, and he doesn't have to shower me with presents. On the other hand, he is generous with what he has. He won't let me go cold and offers me his coat. If I am hungry he will make sure I am fed.
7.) He has the same level of education I do or higher, he is intellectual and believes in the importance of education.
8.) Most importantly, he lets everyone know we're together. He introduces me to his family and friends. He's not afraid to introduce me as his other half to the world.

When I've dated, it's been "whatever happens, happens, and I don't want to bring it up and pressure him". I've been dating without a plan. I am sure that if I went out in the dating world knowing that I want a relationship and I make it clear that I am relationship material, then I would draw in a man like that, because there are men out there that want a relationship. But part of the reason that hasn't happened is because I am scared and not ready to be in a relationship that could possibly end up in marriage.

Plus, as a woman, I feel that we've given too much of ourselves without asking for anything in return and then wonder why he doesn't stick around. We've been reconditioned to chase after men and ask them out, give up sex faster, have his children without a marriage license and the benefits of marriage, pay for his meals instead of letting him pick up the tab for the date. We as women do this because if we don't do it, he'll get it from some other woman. And he usually does because there is always another woman that will give it to him. And I am not mad at men at all for doing this, because they can, and women have allowed this. But I truly believe that quality men respect women that lay down the boundaries early on. If you want a relationship, make it known early on. He may bolt, but that frees up your time to look for a man that is into you and is willing to put in the effort to get to know you. And you will find a man like that.

I read somewhere that as women, we are programmed to pay attention to any man that looks at us twice. If we're getting attention from him, better take and it be greatful for it. We're also taught to give every man a chance because "he may be THE ONE". Men don't give every woman a chance, their choices tend to be visually based, at least at first. Women should be more discriminating in the dating scene, and when I say discriminating, I don't mean racist.

Anyway, I have just spilled my guts today. I have a lot more I could write but I will save that for later.