Hello My Loves,
So................. Yesterday I was perusing Craigslist for future "manslations". I normally never respond to any of them, but I came across one that just inspired me to respond and offer up my pearls of wisdom. I know, it was a waste of time to argue with him. But, yesterday I definitely had the time on my hands to entertain myself. And entertainment it was.................
Okay, so here is the original post:
Title: Why Are All Women Morons ? 34/Palo Alto
Ok, before I receive death threats from NOW let me first preface my diatribe with the following caveat: I respect women. Hell, I f’n LOVE women. Almost everything about them, from their phenomenal emotional rigor to a maternal capacity to nurture that far exceeds any man’s. Let’s just admit it now, woman are AMAZING!! Beautiful, soft, caring and able to absolutely level me with a single glance.
That stated, however, I'm beginning to find the possibility of ever finding a female able to meet the following three simple criteria inconceivable; Beauty, Intelligence, Stability. We can tackle them one at a time, thus making the denigrating rhetoric I'm bound to receive in response to my pontification easier to construct.
Beauty. Oh Dear God beauty. I'm not talking about internet-porn-I-just-got-fake-tits-as-a-high-school-graduation-present beauty, which, in point of fact is absolutely an unmitigated turn off. I'm also not talking about the Hollywood version of aesthetics that mandates no less than 37 layers of make-up, a body weight of less than eleven pounds and a five hundred dollar hair cut. I'm talking about good old fashioned cute. Like wake up in the morning next to me all sleepy headed with your hair ruffled and your eyes fighting the rising sun kind of cute. The kind of cute that means you can just throw on a pair of jeans and a sweat shirt then throw your hair in a pony tail and be comfortable enough to go out confidently cute. I don't like make up, I don't care for vanity and I despise any plastic surgery induced gravity defying flesh. Why the hell is this such a difficult concept? Before I continue I'll prophylacticly respond to the obvious forthcoming interrogation with the following digits; 8.0. That's what a recent poll of friends and co-workers revealed about my own looks on a one to ten scale. I have absolutely no idea what that means, but there it is none the less. I’m not a calvin klein underwear model nor am I eligible to play Quasimodo in any upcoming Disney remakes. I’m simply a regular guy with a professional job and an above average sense of both humor and perspective.
Intelligence. Fuck …. Here we go …. I know there are intelligent women out there. I went to undergrad with a number of them. I went to graduate school with a number of them. I went to medical school with a lot of them. Hell, most of them got better grades than me… that stated, however, I have found it damn near impossible to find any in this city. Why is that? And this is an absolute prerequisite. I can’t do dumb. I can’t even do average. Looks? They’re really not that important …. But brains? Deal breaker. Which leads us to my current predicament. I shouldn’t have to curtail my vernacular during casual conversations. Is there a preclusive statute regarding polysyllabic words in the Midwest? With the intellectual capital that exists in the peri-university culture of Chicago? It’s inconceivable, and yet I seem incapable of meeting women capable of intelligent discourse. Oh there's a bastion of females who can chat for hours of the myriad benefits of reality television, or converse at length about why brand X blush is clearly superior to brand Y blush, or my personal favorite, a chronological listing of 8,000 reasons why they deserve to kept in an affluent lifestyle. Openly discussing the impediments to peace in the middle east? Or having a frank talk regarding the merits of gun control? Or being able to tie their shoes without adult supervision?
Stability. Hmmm … let me start with a frank admission of bipartisan guilt in this matter. Men don’t get it. Never have. Probably never will. Women really aren’t that difficult to understand. In point of fact they’re actually quite simple to understand. Take the flower thing. Ladies don’t get all excited when a guy buys them flowers because they like flowers. They’re independent people, if they wanted flowers that bad they’d go buy some themselves. They like it cause it means that the guy was thinking about them at a time when he wasn’t naked asking for a blow job. So I get it, I really do, I understand the male/female dichotomy. Men are from mars, women are from Venus, five love languages, etc. But what I don’t understand is the emotional lability. I don’t understand the everything-is-going-well-until-she-freaks-out-for-no-reason situations. I never get angry. I especially never get angry at someone I care about. This translates into no yelling, no unkind words, no threats, no purposely putting salt into old wounds as a means to intentionally causing me pain. How is this a mature response to a situation? If there’s an issue talk to me about it, don’t throw a tantrum and start disparaging my ancestors …
So there we have it. Three simple, albeit apparently incompatible, traits. I’m sure that many will read this and simply scoff or laugh. Some will read it with a modicum of objectivity and perhaps reply with more than spite and ridicule. At the very least I’d like to know if I’m simply being too specific. Should I abrogate one or two of the criteria? Should I dismiss from my mind immediately the possibility of actually meeting a “normal” cute and intelligent female? Or should I just get used to internet porn and hand lotion? Is it really that inconceivable? And yes, I realize that I keep on using that word, but I actually do know what it means.
And here is my response:
Dear Poster in Palo Alto,
Lemme prophylactically respond to the forthcoming flaming you will probably subject me to after I state my opinion about your post. Oh, and in your post, you spelled "prophylactically" wrong. I know, it's such a simple mistake and all, but since you're so big on vernacular and intelligence, it's worth pointing out.
I know you like women, you sound like a straight man. It sounds that you're attracted to women, but you don't really like them, you are more resentful of the fact that you like them and are attracted to them.I find it hard to believe that you never get angry, as you pointed out in your post. You call all women moronic, and then you use the F word in your post. Then you wonder why you can't find anyone ? Maybe women don't like your attitude and I can't blame them.
Way to go with sprinkling big vocabulary words. Most people don't talk like that. Not even the attorneys I worked for have conversations like that. I may have understood everything you wrote, but I never talk like that, and neither do any of my educated friends. Besides, you are posting on Craigslist. What the hell do you expect ? Craigslist is the bottom of the barrel for personals. If you're so intelligent and upscale like you are trying to imply with your writing, then shell out a few extra dollars and go to a better website. Or better yet, how about you meet women off the internet ? Trust me, if you're an 8 like you state, women will come to you. I live here in the SF Bay too, and I see it all the time.
I read your ad with a "modicum of objectivity", and I understand where you are coming from. I get it, you're attracting shallow, vapid skank whores, gold-diggers, either that or some butt ugly females and you're mad. Your standards of beauty, intelligence and stability are reasonable. What is not reasonable is your angry attitude, labeling all women morons in the title of your post.
With your attitude, you better stock up on tissues, lotion, or porn. Actually, screw all that and get a flesh light.
Good luck to you my friend.
If you made it this far, he responded to me this morning......................
Wow .... Vapid skank whores? My my my that is without a doubt the most intriguing three word phrase I have ever received in a response! It made me smile, and for that I thank you.
And you're right, I did spell prophylactically incorrectly. For some reason I know the meanings to thousands of words I can't spell properly. Strange isn't it? And "big on vernacular and intelligence" isn't quite the point I was endeavoring to get across, but I can understand how it may have come across that way. Regardless, I'll take the time to respond to all of your points sequentially since your response was the only one of 23 that was in any way shape or form worth reading, even if it adopted a confrontational stance from the outset.
"I know you like women, you sound like a straight man. It sounds that you're attracted to women, but you don't really like them, you are more resentful of the fact that you like them and are attracted to them."
Hmmmm, you can tell I'm a straight male just from the posting? Interesting. As it so happens I am attracted to women, short ones, tall ones, skinny ones (as long as they don't look like Kate Moss), rotund ones (curvy is much cuter than most men will admit), you name it. A woman's curves and stance are just plain beautiful. But resentful? Not at all. I'm rather secure in my heterosexuality, as I think that all people should be in their own respective preferences.
"I find it hard to believe that you never get angry, as you pointed out in your post. You call all women moronic, and then you use the F word in your post. Then you wonder why you can't find anyone ? Maybe women don't like your attitude and I can't blame them."
I don't get angry, I really don't. I'm one of hte more patient humans you'll ever meet (or won't meet as the case may be, but that is neither here nor there). Mostly it comes down to a fundamental belief I have in higher brain function and the characteristics that separate homo sapiens from all other life forms. The frontal cortex, that part of the brain that is the most "advanced" is able to control emotional responses initiated in the lower brain segments. As far as I know humans are the only creatures capable of such control. The problem is that the vast majority of humans in fact do not control their emotional responses, leading to, in no particular order, violence, arguments, hate, spite, contempt, etc. Why this is has puzzled me since I was 5 years old. There is simply no reason why two mature and supposedly rational individuals can't work out their differences without resorting to animalistic tendencies. And the F word as you put it? I've never really had someone insinuate that they found that offensive. Perhaps you did, and for that I apologize. As for women not liking my attitude and you not blaming them? Ouch ....
"Way to go with sprinkling big vocabulary words. Most people don't talk like that. Not even the attorneys I worked for have conversations like that. I may have understood everything you wrote, but I never talk like that, and neither do any of my educated friends."Big volcabulary words huh? For what it's worth I don't speak that like either, but there was intent in my post that I often do not insert into my daily speech pattern. I find it interesting that you hold attorneys in such high regard; I've never really been that impressed with the legal field. And you're right, they don't speak that like, but if you read their breifs and statements they're full of the "beaurocratic style" so prevalent in academia. A lot of it has to do with my fundamental enjoyment of the english language and the vast array of beautiful words it contains, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that a lot of my friends are European and employ a far grander scope of language into their daily usage than Americans do. What I don't understand is why you would seem to take offense to the words used in the posting? If you understood them then wonderful!! You're clearly an educated person, congratulations. But if you thought I was purposely "upping" the wording to come across as intelligent then you're sorely mistaken.
"Besides, you are posting on Craigslist. What the hell do you expect ? Craigslist is the bottom of the barrel for personals. If you're so intelligent and upscale like you are trying to imply with your writing, then shell out a few extra dollars and go to a better website. Or better yet, how about you meet women off the internet ? Trust me, if you're an 8 like you state, women will come to you. I live here in the SF Bay too, and I see it all the time."
Ummmm, yeah. Point taken .....next.
"I read your ad with a "modicum of objectivity", and I understand where you are coming from. I get it, you're attracting shallow, vapid skank whores, gold-diggers, either that or some butt ugly females and you're mad. Your standards of beauty, intelligence and stability are reasonable. What is not reasonable is your angry attitude, labeling all women morons in the title of your post."
Ahhhhh, now here we go. I received a lot of responses to this ad and half of them took exception to the title. Half took the time to actually read and contemplate what was said before responding and arrived at a different conclusion. You, on the other hand seem to have fallen into a third category in which you take the time to read and comprehend but still formulate a mallicious opinion. Interesting.
"With your attitude, you better stock up on tissues, lotion, or porn. Actually, screw all that and get a flesh light. "
Wow !! Now you had been reasonable throughout, insightful, opinionated but logically so. Why all of a sudden adopting this aggressive and spiteful stance? Seems contradictory. I appreciate your opinion, I value the fact that you took the time construct such an interesting response and I find your points valid. But the insertion of denigrating closing arguments diminishes much of what you'd clearly taken the time to write. Why? Such a shame really. Although I must admit I'm terribly intrigued that you know what a fleshlight is!! I don't even know what to think of that.
There you have it my lovelies, tooteloo