Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Did I really say or do that ?

Hello Again Loves,

So as you know, I've been cleaning out storage. I've gotten rid of a lot of stuff.

I have kept almost every single letter or note anyone has ever written me. Until now.

I was reading copies of old letters I wrote to a couple douchebag guys I dated in college ( I made copies because wanted to look back and remember how I acted) to express my frustration to them without blowing up.

I looked back and can't believe what I put up with. I didn't have the balls or self esteem to get up, walk away and demand better for myself. That's a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes I did demand better and walked away, but most of the time I didn't.

The letters I wrote, weren't all useless. I remember one Persian guy I dated, who I still run into once in a blue moon. He was not a nice guy, but I still put up with his antics. But I did write him a long, heartfelt letter explaining my feelings and why his actions bothered me so much. He held onto that letter for a while and re-read it a couple of times. And then he appologized to me more than once for the things he said to me, and he appologized again a few years after we parted ways. I believe him. I told him "Thank you, don't worry, I am over it" But when I re-read the letter I wrote him, I realized why he really appologized. He said some pretty effed up things that any guy could say to a woman.

And I some letters from after college. A couple of nice emails from los hombres de Barcelona.

Growing up I did not have steady female support when I started dating. A couple of my mom's female friends tried to tell me things here and there, but for the most the advice was waaaaay outdated. I was just pretty much thrown in the dating world, coming from a conservative, religious upbringing. The dating world was not nice to new meat like me. I was definitely chewed up and spit right back out. And I still have the t-shirt.

And it wasn't all them. The way I acted was awkward, I didn't know any better. Plus I look back and realize that there were a couple of good guys that I unknowingly drove away. Like Alex, aka Sasha, the soccer player from Russia. He was a good guy, we met while I was studying in the library. He came up to me and asked me out. I was just too scared, and also I was going to Barcelona in four months, so I just ended things after a few weeks of dating. I own all that. But really, I don't have too much regret in the love department, none of the boys from my past would've ever worked out. The time was not right, and my heart just wasn't in the right place. It wasn't until this year that I felt like I was on a better path with myself.

I am getting rid of everything except that I can't seem to let go of two things.

1.) The email from Rodolfo in Barcelona. Nice guy, good looking, had it going on. It would've never lasted between us. Barcelona is very fast-paced. People always traveling, and very busy with work. He traveled a lot for work. But we had good times in Barcelona. We would go for drinks, to clubs, he would practice English with me, and help me with my resume en espanol. He moved to Belgium for a while and said he'd come to visit in CA back in 06 but that never happened, of course as boys in Spain are notorious for changing their minds so fast.

2.) A necklace with my name engraved in it from my old roommate in Barcelona, David. He definitely chased me, and tried to get me to go out with him and marry him. I just couldn't, and I didn't want to be tied down. I just wasn't feeling it. I eventually moved out and told him to please leave me alone, as he was starting to stalk me. I never even kissed him or entertained his advances, but it never mattered to him. I had no Spanish documents to stay legally, but he did everything he could to help me stay. He suggested marriage, and that there would be " no strings attached" and that I could divorce him anytime, no hard feelings. Hahahaha, I told him "no thanks" and returned to the states a few months later.

I lost contact with him (thank god) and recently found that necklace hidden in my huge luggage I hauled around Barcelona for the year I was there. That necklace represents all the struggles I went through alone in a foreign country, and reminds me of his mother who took care of me for two weeks while I was bedridden for two weeks with the flu during the Xmas holiday.

It was a simple, but pretty necklace that I never wore, and I can't give away because it has my name on it. I didn't want to throw it in the trash.

Anywho, time to go shred those letters.


Mike said...

I know it's always great to see I'm not the same person.

* Ashleigh * said...

It's almost a time warp when you look through letters from the past. Like another life that happened and has been tucked away into your memory, and is only re-sparked when articles proving it happened reappear!

On another note, I signed into Yahoo and Eric has reactivated his showed up in my "matches" section. I shook my head, and chose to "hide this profile" from my matches. It was like being reminded that I did have a relationship that made me happy! What's annoying is in his religion area he put "none/agnostic". GRRRRR!! WTF tell it like it is - ATHEIST!

Scarlet said...

I don't think I've ever written letters to the guys who've broken my heart or pissed me off, but I've confronted all of them. (The letter would've probably been better!)

You've dated some interesting guys and they don't sound all bad, especially Rodolfo from Barcelona, which BTW, happens to be on my bucket list...the city, not Rodolfo. ;)

I should probably go through my box of letters and see what's in there. You kept all that stuff for the same reasons I keep a blog, to know who I was, where I've been and with who. Hopefully, I'll look back and realize I've lived a good life.